A Part of My Soul Left the Day Your Heart Stopped Beating....

Sep 4, 2012

A Lot Has Happened....

Since my last blog, a lot has happened.....

To begin with,

Less than a year after my first miscarriage, I experienced another miscarriage.  Two weeks shy of my 1 year anniversary of my first.  This one was February 7th.  Different circumstances.  Unlike the last one, I did not bleed.  I went in to get my first ultrasound thinking all was well only to find out there was no heartbeat.

I was shocked to say the least.  We had this baby's chromosomes tested and it came back the extremely rare Trisomy 15.  I was told chances are I would NEVER have that chromosome abnormality ever again even if I miscarried 10 more times.  It was also not a genetic thing.  Just a random fluke of nature.
During the chromosome typing we also found out this baby was a precious little girl.  We gave her an identity - Gracie Elizabeth.

After that, I was done.  I was happy with just my Hallie.  Going through it once was hard, but twice was ever harder.  Granted, I feel I handled this second miscarriage better emotionally, it took it's toll on me mentally.  It had to be "my fault".

Fast forward 7 months to September 2011.  I found myself unexpectedly pregnant.  We were not trying.  The two we tried for we lost.  Hallie had been a surprise to us as well.  Turns out, we're not good at "planning"pregnancies.  They are better when they "happen" to us.

On June 1, 2012, I gave birth to my precious son, Gage Cooper.  He has been such a joy and blessing in our house and family. I can't imagine life without him now and to think, I had shut myself off to the thought of trying again.  I guess God had it in my life plan to prove me wrong and am I oh so every glad he did!
One of my close co-workers told me after my first miscarriage and reminded me after my second that there was a precious little soul just waiting for me.  He finally arrived and when I look at him and my daughter, my heart explodes with love, joy and happiness.

Jun 13, 2010

It's Finally Hit Me...

I just spent a few moments browsing some blogs of other women who have lost babies. One of the things they all have in common that I can not even imagine is they all had stillborn children.

My baby was only 10 weeks old.

But I've realized what that unusual feeling I hold inside is from...I have nothing of my baby. It's like an emptiness that will never be filled. No, pictures, no lock of hair, no hand/feet prints, no birth certificate and most importantly - no final resting place. The only thing I have of his/her brief life is a couple ultrasound pictures and even in those he/she is just a blob because he/she was measuring 2 weeks behind.

That's my biggest fear, guilt...my biggest problem with this loss. My baby does not have a final resting spot. There is not a place I can go to feel close to him/her. There is not a place I can go to be with him/her...to cry...to talk to etc....Nothing.

After reading one precious mother's story of her daughter's burrial it hit me so hard and I literally cried harder than I think I have these past 3 months. My baby was reveiwed by a labratory and then discarded with the hazardous materials at the hospital. That literally breaks my heart...it hurts my heart and makes me feel like I just had him/her thrown out with the trash.

I know there was nothing I could do about that, but still that's my inner deamon and I have to trust God. I know my baby is with God and what little body he/she had here with me is useless with God in Heaven. Selfish on my part, but I would have given him/her a resting spot if I could have.

I HATE this!

I should be relaxing - enjoying one more day of work until school starts back in August but my life has become utter chaos. I feel so tense, angry and frustrated all the time. So much so, I feel like my insides are shaking sometimes. I know it's stress and anxiety but as much as I loathe this feeling I just can't seem to shake it off.

Because of all this, my GERD/Acid Reflux has been quite horrible lately. I just want to scream or cry, but when I do I only feel better for a short while. I can't put my finger on all the stress but I believe it is a collaboration of many things:

1. All the excuse me "crap" I have to do at the end of each school year to close out.
2. Not knowing if I will be in 1st grade again next year or moved up to either 2nd or 3rd grade.
3. Hubby may be without a job come June 30th. We're not sure yet what is going on there if he will be able to stay or if they will lay him off. (Big stress there I know)
4. Master's classes are finally taking its toll on me. Only this one and one more/internship left, but I'm tired and want my life back...hey I sounded like Tony Hayward from BP just then didn't I?
5. POTTY TRAINING! This has got to be the hardest thing I have EVER done. Even labor and delivery was a breeze compared to this. My darling child has little to no interest in potty training (she's 3). We went through 5 pairs of "big girl panties" and shorts yesterday from Noon until about 4pm. She tells me after she's gone that she needs to go potty...great! I guess with that one I'll just let it go until she's more ready. I was hoping to stop buying diapers for a while since hubby's job is up in the air..that would save A LOT of money each month..regular diapers/pull ups/nighttime diapers = about $100/month.

Calgon..PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE..take me away!

Jun 4, 2010

Not Ready Yet!!

People/friends keep asking me (at different times of course) when are we going to try again for another baby. It makes me feel uncomfortable for people to ask me that..even my best friends. I guess in a way it makes me feel guilty about thinking about another baby when I still miss this one.

I just tell them...oh we will, eventually. Even today my mother-in-law's first question to me when I mentioned I was on a "crazy chocolate fix" was "Are you pregnant?"....NO! NO, NO, NO, NO!!! I AM NOT! I finally told her and a best friend that I just wasn't ready yet. I told them both the earliest it would be for me to begin trying or thinking about it would be August/September! Just let me be and please quit trying to "force" a pregnancy on me when I'm still in such turmoil and anxiety over the last.

May 30, 2010

Happy Memorial Day Weekend!

We had a wonderful family day today. My husband and his brother repaired our backdoor replacing the door frame and a few boards that needed replacing because of water bouncing up on them when it rains. Hallie had a play date with her buddy Addyson and two of her cousins - Bailey and Ian.

Hallie was out by 7pm which is a bit unusual since she usually stays up until 10pm or later. Jason grilled us hamburgers and even sat down and watched one of my favorite "Brat Pack" movies - Pretty In Pink. Jason couldn't believe his eyes when he saw "Duckie" (He likes John Cryer on Two and a Half Men).

It was a busy day but a great day!

Finally, let's all remember those veterans who have served our country and have died.

May 26, 2010

Busy Time of the Year & Stress

I feel like I'm going at a very fast pace. I teach and it's the end of the year. Lots of paperwork, assessments, things to do to close out the year. Add to that a 3 year old, a husband who is looking a new job because his company may be closing its doors, a dog in heat who has all but ruined my carpet and new bedspread, trying to finish my Masters degree (I graduate in December)I feel worn out.

Yet I constantly feel a little anxiety in me that is beginning to get on my nerves! I feel like I need to relax and I don't know how. Everything I try doesn't work. Hot baths, reading, exercising...nothing. I feel like I just want to scream. I have cried out, I have pleaded with God to help me not be nervous/anxious and to help me overcome my anger and short fuse as of late. That is the only thing that has come close to making me feel better but, I can't cry out at work or in other places I may be. My acid reflux is acting up horribly because of the stress. I'm not sleeping well. I almost drift off to sleep and then I shoot straight up in bed almost wide awake. It even makes me feel weird for a bit.

Any suggestions would be helpful. The only time I do feel somewhat "normal" is when I go home to visit my parents and I'm most grateful when I'm able to do that.

May 22, 2010

Hallie's Birthday

Today is my little girl's third bithday! It's a happy day! I am a little sad knowing that Ava/Callen will never celebrate Hallie's bithday with her or celebrate his/her own with us, but I know Ava/Callen's looking down and enjoying the day with us, sending his/her love to his/her big sister!