A Part of My Soul Left the Day Your Heart Stopped Beating....

Jun 13, 2010

It's Finally Hit Me...

I just spent a few moments browsing some blogs of other women who have lost babies. One of the things they all have in common that I can not even imagine is they all had stillborn children.

My baby was only 10 weeks old.

But I've realized what that unusual feeling I hold inside is from...I have nothing of my baby. It's like an emptiness that will never be filled. No, pictures, no lock of hair, no hand/feet prints, no birth certificate and most importantly - no final resting place. The only thing I have of his/her brief life is a couple ultrasound pictures and even in those he/she is just a blob because he/she was measuring 2 weeks behind.

That's my biggest fear, guilt...my biggest problem with this loss. My baby does not have a final resting spot. There is not a place I can go to feel close to him/her. There is not a place I can go to be with him/her...to cry...to talk to etc....Nothing.

After reading one precious mother's story of her daughter's burrial it hit me so hard and I literally cried harder than I think I have these past 3 months. My baby was reveiwed by a labratory and then discarded with the hazardous materials at the hospital. That literally breaks my heart...it hurts my heart and makes me feel like I just had him/her thrown out with the trash.

I know there was nothing I could do about that, but still that's my inner deamon and I have to trust God. I know my baby is with God and what little body he/she had here with me is useless with God in Heaven. Selfish on my part, but I would have given him/her a resting spot if I could have.

I HATE this!

I should be relaxing - enjoying one more day of work until school starts back in August but my life has become utter chaos. I feel so tense, angry and frustrated all the time. So much so, I feel like my insides are shaking sometimes. I know it's stress and anxiety but as much as I loathe this feeling I just can't seem to shake it off.

Because of all this, my GERD/Acid Reflux has been quite horrible lately. I just want to scream or cry, but when I do I only feel better for a short while. I can't put my finger on all the stress but I believe it is a collaboration of many things:

1. All the excuse me "crap" I have to do at the end of each school year to close out.
2. Not knowing if I will be in 1st grade again next year or moved up to either 2nd or 3rd grade.
3. Hubby may be without a job come June 30th. We're not sure yet what is going on there if he will be able to stay or if they will lay him off. (Big stress there I know)
4. Master's classes are finally taking its toll on me. Only this one and one more/internship left, but I'm tired and want my life back...hey I sounded like Tony Hayward from BP just then didn't I?
5. POTTY TRAINING! This has got to be the hardest thing I have EVER done. Even labor and delivery was a breeze compared to this. My darling child has little to no interest in potty training (she's 3). We went through 5 pairs of "big girl panties" and shorts yesterday from Noon until about 4pm. She tells me after she's gone that she needs to go potty...great! I guess with that one I'll just let it go until she's more ready. I was hoping to stop buying diapers for a while since hubby's job is up in the air..that would save A LOT of money each month..regular diapers/pull ups/nighttime diapers = about $100/month.

Calgon..PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE..take me away!

Jun 4, 2010

Not Ready Yet!!

People/friends keep asking me (at different times of course) when are we going to try again for another baby. It makes me feel uncomfortable for people to ask me that..even my best friends. I guess in a way it makes me feel guilty about thinking about another baby when I still miss this one.

I just tell them...oh we will, eventually. Even today my mother-in-law's first question to me when I mentioned I was on a "crazy chocolate fix" was "Are you pregnant?"....NO! NO, NO, NO, NO!!! I AM NOT! I finally told her and a best friend that I just wasn't ready yet. I told them both the earliest it would be for me to begin trying or thinking about it would be August/September! Just let me be and please quit trying to "force" a pregnancy on me when I'm still in such turmoil and anxiety over the last.