A Part of My Soul Left the Day Your Heart Stopped Beating....

Jun 13, 2010

It's Finally Hit Me...

I just spent a few moments browsing some blogs of other women who have lost babies. One of the things they all have in common that I can not even imagine is they all had stillborn children.

My baby was only 10 weeks old.

But I've realized what that unusual feeling I hold inside is from...I have nothing of my baby. It's like an emptiness that will never be filled. No, pictures, no lock of hair, no hand/feet prints, no birth certificate and most importantly - no final resting place. The only thing I have of his/her brief life is a couple ultrasound pictures and even in those he/she is just a blob because he/she was measuring 2 weeks behind.

That's my biggest fear, guilt...my biggest problem with this loss. My baby does not have a final resting spot. There is not a place I can go to feel close to him/her. There is not a place I can go to be with him/her...to cry...to talk to etc....Nothing.

After reading one precious mother's story of her daughter's burrial it hit me so hard and I literally cried harder than I think I have these past 3 months. My baby was reveiwed by a labratory and then discarded with the hazardous materials at the hospital. That literally breaks my heart...it hurts my heart and makes me feel like I just had him/her thrown out with the trash.

I know there was nothing I could do about that, but still that's my inner deamon and I have to trust God. I know my baby is with God and what little body he/she had here with me is useless with God in Heaven. Selfish on my part, but I would have given him/her a resting spot if I could have.


  1. Oh, dear Christie. I'm praying for you. I'm so sorry you feel this way. I can totally imagine because the things I have of Lily are so sacred to me...my most prized possessions. I love you, girl.

  2. I'm so sorry for you....I can only imagine how sad and helpless that must feel.

    You give me perspective...on days that I say I hate having a grave to go to...I'll be thankful there's a permanent remembrance that he lived and breathed and was real and the world can't forget what's etched in stone.

    I know it can't be much comfort to you, but know that even though your sweet little one may not have that stone that's etched...there are so many of us who will always remember the precious life you carried and loved.

  3. Thank you so much girls. I love you both! We missed you Sunday Lori...hope all is well!