A Part of My Soul Left the Day Your Heart Stopped Beating....

May 18, 2010

Angel Baby Stephenson - February 22, 2010

I had a healthy pregnancy that ended with a C-section in May 2007. My little girl is now going on 3 years old. My husband and I decided to try to add to our family so in December we began trying to have another baby. We got pregnant with no trouble. I found out in mid January I was pregnant. I took my first positive test on January 14th. I went the following week to my doctor and they confirmed my pregnancy.

With this pregnancy I experienced symptoms I did not have with my first pregnancy. With my first pregnancy I had no morning sickness. With this one I felt sick constantly but only vomited twice (same day). My acid reflux was HORRIBLE even while on Nexium. With my first pregnancy it never bothered me. I had no appetite and my stomach hurt almost constantly.

I went to get my first ultrasound on February 15th. I had to go alone because my husband couldn't go because of work. I saw my baby's heartbeat even though I had to lie completely still and hold my breathe. It was 166 bpm. However, as soon as I saw the screen I knew something wasn't right. I was supposed to be 8 weeks 3 days along but I was only measuring 6 weeks 3 days along. I got my first ultrasound with my first child around the same time and I knew how big the baby should have been. My doctor tried to assure me that everything was fine, there was a good, strong heartbeat that maybe I just ovulated late. I knew that wasn't the case. My time frame of my LMP and my first positive test proved that theory wrong. For days I just felt like I would miscarry and hoped my baby would "stick with me".

On that following Saturday - February 20th I went to the bathroom and saw a slight brown discharge once. I was worried but I tried to not let it worry me too much because people do spot sometimes in the first trimester and this was so little I thought maybe my eyes were tricking me. The next night I had strong stomach pains but figured I just needed to go to the bathroom since I had been slightly constipated.

I got up the next morning and went to work. I felt fine, no pain, nothing. About 10am I went to the bathroom. As soon as I went to use the bathroom I saw the dark spotting. I knew it was over. All I could say was No, No, No. I called my doctor's office and they had me come right in. My husband had called earlier and let me know he was home sick in the bed with a virus. I had to go alone back to my doctor's office. When I got there my doctor checked and saw that there was some "old blood" and took me back to get another ultrasound. She felt that since I had not had any cramping and no red blood that everything would be ok.

We got in there and there was no heartbeat. She searched for 10-15 minutes. I was surprisingly ok. I guess I willed myself not to cry. My doctor was very compassionate and I believe she was more upset at the time than I was. I waited to cry until I got into my car. I then called my husband and then my mother. I went by Walmart to pick up the prescriptions my doctor had written for me incase I finished miscarrying at home. Then I went to my school and made sub-plans for the rest of the week (it was only Monday).

I stayed at home the rest of the week waiting to see if I finished miscarrying naturally. I did not so I went on Thursday, February 25th for my D & C. I was unsure of what was going to happen but I knew I would be ok. Others had told me it was nothing to be afraid of. I prayed silently and felt God's comfort. They used anesthesia to put me out to where I slept. I have a vague memory of a dream I had during the procedure where I was playing with a brown haired child in a place surrounded by white light. As I woke up I found I was sobbing worse than I had the previous few days. Everyone kept asking if I was ok. I assured them I was, recovered and went home.

On Sunday I went to church and felt like everyone was just staring at me. I felt the same when I returned to work the next day on Monday. I found I had rather people tell me they were sorry and me cry some than see me, make eye contact and not speak. If I've learned anything through this I know I will always tell others who go through this how sorry I am for what they are experiencing. I honestly felt like a freak when people wouldn't speak. I know they were unsure what to say, but that's the lesson I am taking from my personal experience.

To this day I think of my baby several times a day. I still cry some, not like the first few weeks though. I have felt alone through this process. I don't blame my husband for not being able to go with me for all the ultrasounds. I do feel he was "removed" from this whole process. I feel to him the baby was never "real" because he never saw or heard the heartbeat. I finally explained to him to imagine how he felt when we saw our daughter Hallie's heartbeat the first time. I told him I felt that same way with this baby too. Then for him to imagine not having Hallie here in our lives. I think he got the point.